This is a post to say that the process of adoption never really ceases to amaze me or stump me or make me smile or, in the past few days, make me cry with millions of different emotions.
Last saturday we celebrated KatieJoy's Tol (1st birthday- I will do a whole post of her Tol soon) with friends and family. I decided to decorate her Tol table with a few pictures, one of which was a picture of KatieJoy with her foster mom in her hanbok probably taken the week she came home with us. I was slightly worried how KatieJoy would take seeing the picture but decided to go against my gut. When she saw the picture she smiled big and took it and walked around with it for a few minutes then let it be on the table for the remainder of the party. This was Saturday evening. Everything seemed to be fine and I was proud of myself for letting "go" and putting the picture out. Then yesterday morning hit. 5:30 am came this horrid crying from KatieJoy. I ran into her room and picked her up to comfort her as she was flailing around in her bed. She pushed at me, scratched my face and screamed even louder. I kept trying to console her. Then the ball dropped and I heard her utter the word "umma... umma!" My heart sank but we got her a bottle and she quieted down and fell back asleep for a few more hours. I let it go- thinking maybe she just had a dream about Korea... For the rest of the day she was fine.
Then last night when I went to put KatieJoy down (normally a pretty easy process) she kept looking at me and getting up. If I tried to put her back down she would cry. It went on and on like this for over a half hour. She finally started really crying and carrying on so I picked her up to hold her for a bit. Then it started again. She cried for her Umma for an hour straight in my arms. She wouldn't look at me- she pushed me away from her- she hit at me- she scratched at me. All I could do was cry with her. Finally she fell asleep in my arms and she whimpered as she slept. It was just like we were back in Korea that first night with her... we let her sleep in bed with us last night thinking that maybe she would sleep better. She woke up at 4 am- again, screaming for her umma. Again, I cried and cried. This morning went a bit better until she was tired. Then Allen was holding her when she got upset and did the same thing to him- except she also called for her Appa. We just looked at one another as we'd never really heard her cry for him. After her nap she was crying hard again in Allen's arms... but this time, miraculously, she cried for "mama... MAMA! Mom!"- ME... she finally cried for me to comfort her in words! I instantly teared up and just scooped her up and held her...
Even now, I am tearing up thinking about the past 48 hours. I have to go back to work in a week and a half and I am totally stressing about it. I stressed when I left Calen too- but this is a bit different as KatieJoy has had a totally different reaction to being home with us. This is why I cried when she called for her umma and appa... and then again for her mama today. Will she think that I am abandoning her? Is she going to go back to looking at me with pure hatred pouring from her eyes? Oh how I can't stand to even think about this! I made a mistake- I shouldn't have brought out that picture of her and her umma... or is it that she had a dream about Korea or is it that she is feeding off my stress that my body is clearly letting out? I think it must be a combination of all those things...
I have been crying out to God to show me clearly where I am supposed to go in a few weeks. We can't afford for me to stay home with our children- even though that truly is where my heart has been for the past few months. I am praying that once I get back to work things go well... that KatieJoy loves her babysitter, that I fall in love with my job again, and that I feel comfortable leaving each morning instead of feeling that horrible mommy guilt. I'm just so nervous to leave this beautiful girl who has grown so much to love us and smile and laugh with us the past few months (which has been hard work to get to) and possibly to be set all the way backwards to the beginning of our time together.
Be praying with me that KatieJoy doesn't revert back to being this beautiful, scared and hurt child that we brought home in April...
But that we continue to see KatieJoy be this beautiful, smiley girl that has really started to come into her own the past month (she has been such a joyful baby the past few weeks!)
Lord PLEASE keep our girl from feeling abandoned!
Thanks for letting me share what's been happening in our home the past few days...
Love,
Mandy
1 comment:
Amanda,
Asher went through a phase like this a few months after we came home. I think it is part of the greiving they need to do. I think it is ok for them to see the pictures. We have shown them to Asher since he first came home. Now he only occasionally looks at them. When he does he knows who they are but does not get upset. We have always talked to him about how much they loved him and took care of him when he lived in Korea.
Hang in there. I think it will get better. Greiving is a process. A friend of mine, Jayne Schooler, told me that for a child to fully bond and trust it could take as long as they are old when they come to you. Asher was not quite that long. But clse. Now he is very connected to all of us.
Just keep loving her and seeing her through her saddness. Your smiley girl is there and already connecting to you. She will learn that you will always come back.
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