1 year ago today...

...Our little boy came home to us and we held him for the first time at the San Francisco International Airport! Looking back, I'm not sure where a whole year went but at the same time I don't really remember life without our amazing son! I have so many words that I want to say right now... but finding the right way to put them is... well... hard! To write only a little bit would not do how I feel today justice so I thought I would share what I have written to put in Calen's Lifebook someday... I will warn you though- this is the world's longest post and the pictures will only be at the end...

My dearest Calen,

What a year this has been with you! A year ago I knew nothing about being a mommy and daddy knew nothing about being a daddy! We really knew next to nothing about you either... other than the monthly reports we would get about you from Holt... how little information a little piece of paper held those 5 months we waited for you! But oh, how I held to those little bits of information! Those little tiny reports told me if you were crawling, laughing, or happy! They told me your weight and height, your head size, and that you were shy- and while those things were all important to know, they told me nothing much about your personality other than that you were VERY shy! This made your daddy and I so nervous. If you were so shy how in the world would you take to us being your new instant parents?!? Would you love us as we already loved you? Would you hate us because we were nothing like what you were used to? Before Holt called us to tell us you were FINALLY on your way home to us, we worried about many little things, but always knew that God was with you and us and that he would help you to transition into your new home. We prayed for you every day...

The month before you came home to us, Mommy was going a little crazy! I couldn't sleep or eat right. At night I would lie awake thinking about you and what you were doing half a world a way from me. I would stare at my international clock on my phone that said the time in Seoul, Korea and wonder what you were doing with your foster family at that moment! I thought you'd never come home to us and you were always on my mind- no matter what I was doing... and then on July 30 we finally got the call that you were going to be coming home to us a week later on August 6, 2008 at the SFO airport! I kept thinking... another week?!? How am I ever going to make it through another week without you? But mommy and daddy made it by keeping very busy. We made sure the house was baby proofed, mommy washed all your new clothing that she had bought and we made sure that your new little nursery that your Tia Jenn had worked so hard on, was perfect and ready for you when you arrived home with us on the 6th of August! The last few days before you flew across the world to be in our arms forever, your Tia Jenn and Uncle Denny came with mommy and daddy to the Bay Area to go to Great America with us and a San Francisco Giants/Atlanta Braves game. This was to keep mommy and daddy busy and to keep us from worrying about if we were going to be good parents- it didn't really work though! We were still nervous and all we thought about during the game the night you were flying to us over the pacific ocean was you. What would you look like in real life and not just a picture, what you would sound like, what you would do when we held you for the first time? We thought so much about this that we remember next to nothing about that game other than the fact that it rained during the last few innings and that we made you a build-a-bear inside AT&T park!

Once the game was over, we drove back to our hotel to sleep... it was our last sleep without you home... without being parents. It was a very unrestful sleep as daddy was very nervous and mommy just couldn't wait to kiss you! Mommy checked on your flight every few hours to make sure that it was still on time... I might have slept a few hours that whole night, but I doubt that very much! Finally it was time to get up and start getting ready to leave for the airport- I thought time had stopped; the minutes ticked by so slowly. Nana and Papa drove up that morning and met us at the hotel. They were so excited to see you too! We all drove to the airpot together and that's where we all met Sister Ellen, our airport greeter! She was so nice and kept talking to mommy about how many children she had seen come home to their parents. How some children took it hard but how some children seemed to know that they were finally home. She told me to not be nervous and to show how much I loved you because then you would sense that you were were finally were you belonged; where the Lord had meant for you to be... I took her words to heart because I didn't want you any more scared than you already were. Poor daddy though... he was still so nervous- he almost got sick a few times that morning! Sister Ellen asked if mommy or daddy wanted to go with her to get you in the restricted section of the airport, but since only one of us could go we decided to stay together and meet you for the first time together! We thought that since we had waited 5 long months for you another hour wouldn't hurt to wait so we could see you for the first time together... Finally after Sister Ellen showed us where you would be coming out with your escort, Molly Holt, she left us to help with you because your flight had finally landed! She told us to relax and eat something because it would take about 40 minutes to get you out to us! We didn't eat much, but tried and then we waited a little longer than we thought and after what seemed like hours of watching others come out of the terminal... we saw you for the first time! Sister Ellen was strolling you out towards us and you looked so tired! You were the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby I had ever seen! Nana was standing right next to me when Sister Ellen strolled you up to mommy and daddy and said "Here is your son! He is the most beautiful and observant baby I've ever met!" Mommy and daddy just stared at you for a few seconds while Nana started to cry happy tears! Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and reached down for you in that stroller. My fingers fumbled with the straps longer than they should have but I was new at this stroller thing! As soon as I picked you up I just couldn't believe I was finally holding you! You were so good too! You just looked at me and let me cuddle and kiss you! Daddy was crying behind mommy while he was watching you! We couldn't believe we were actually looking at our son that God had made for us! You didn't start crying until Molly Holt came to talk to mommy about your personality, foster family and flight to us. I think that you understood that we were where you were headed, but it was still hard on you to have yet another change in your little life. You had bonded to Molly on the long flight and were scared. You tried to get away from mommy but we instantly put you in the "pack" and while you didn't like it, you clung to mommy because you could tell that I would protect you and because you really had no other choice because you were afraid of daddy! Poor daddy! He was okay to look at but not to touch- we think he was probably the biggest man you had ever saw! Mommy didn't get to talk to Molly Holt very much because she knew she had to leave your side so that I could calm you down. She understood so many things and mommy & daddy were so glad that she had brought you home to us... it was so special that you got one of the Holt family members to bring you home; it was a true honor to meet a woman who has done God's work in Korea most of her life!

Once we finally left the airport, we put you into the carseat for the first time and mommy sat with you and gave you a bottle. You fell asleep almost instantly and slept for an hour while we drove towards Casa de Fruita. We decided to stop for a quick lunch there with Nana, Papa, Tia and Uncle Denny. We didn't think you would be happy about being with us in front of more strangers but you did so well! You laughed at us and smiled lots at mommy and daddy and even ate some french fries... Nana was shocked you did so well and just kept saying that she thought you knew I was always your mama. I think you knew it in your heart also...

When we got home you clung to mommy because everything was so new to you. We don't think you had ever looked at a dog or cat before because all our animals scared you a little bit. We had a rough first night because you were so tired and because you were grieving the loss of your culture, but by God's Grace we made it through the night with a little sleep, lots of mommy holding you and a lot of bottles! The first few weeks you were home were a lot like that first night (mommy has never been so sore in her life from holding you most of that first month home!)... but you know what? I'm so glad we went through that with you and that we were the ones to remind you over and over again that we were there for you always and that God loved you very, very much!

We've been through a lot in the past year... your first steps, your first birthday, your first trip to Disneyland and the beach... we've been through a lot of sleepless nights where you wanted to make sure we were still there for you and we've even gone to the emergency room for the first time with you when you fell off daddy's shoulders! Calen, you have grown so much in this past year home that it makes me cry happy tears to see how far you have come! You were very small and unsure of yourself when you got to us; but now you are a confident, outgoing child and you know exactly who your family is! You came home at 9.5 months old without a single word that you knew in English and now a year later you are speaking in phrases and short sentences! You are trying to count and you tell mommy and daddy that you love us "much"... You call me your mama Koala bear when i tell you that you are my baby Koala bear and it makes my heart sing for joy! You run and jump and are already wanting to play baseball with daddy- he is your hero! I just can't believe how much has happened in a year... we are even now waiting for you to become a big brother to a little sister or brother and you are so excited about this when we talk about it to you! You are one perceptive and smart boy and we love you so very much!

Calen, mommy and daddy are so proud to be called your parents... God made you fit just perfectly with us! We can't imagine life without you and are looking forward to watching you grow some more in the next year! Thank you for making us the proudest parents EVER!

Love,

Mommy (& Daddy too!)

Waiting at the airport a year ago!


Our first sight of you being strolled out by Sister Ellen:


Mommy's first time holding you!


First smile we got from you!


Our first night home...


Some of our favorite pictures from this year:









Happy Airplane Day Booger! WE LOVE YOU!!!